Embracing the Mystery: Living with Courage and Authenticity in the Face of Existential Anxiety

To be or not to be is undoubtedly the most fundamental human question

and asking oneself this question means to plunge oneself into the experience

of anxiety.

 (van Deurzen, 2002 p. 35)

The Weight of the Unknown

Existential anxiety, the gnawing sense of dread that stems from grappling with life's biggest questions, can be overwhelming. Who am I? Why am I here? What happens when we die?

Rhonda, a professional woman in her early 40s, felt her life was ruined by anxiety. She described a constant ‘buzzing’ and ‘uneasy’ sensation during her waking hours. ‘I’m always exhausted and I can never just be’, she told me, ‘I like to be in control all the time because if I don’t plan or set myself goals, I freeze and just sit there being anxious’.

As an existential coach, I wanted to help Rhonda explore her life and see what else was going on. Existential coaching doesn’t provide quick solutions. Neither does it offer explanations, or diagnoses. Instead, we worked towards building a picture of Rhonda’s unique way of ‘being Rhonda’. Our starting point was not her anxiety but rather how she lived her life as a whole.

Th Futile Search for the Perfect Solution

Rhonda openly admitted to being fixated on health and well-being. Over the last 15 years, she had dedicated a considerable portion of her earnings to supplements, personal training, organic food, and various alternative therapies. Despite trying different diets and consulting numerous specialists, Rhonda remained unsatisfied with the outcomes. While discussing her experience with yet another spiritual healer, she lamented, "I still feel off, like I'm not reaching my full potential. It's causing me a great deal of anxiety." Although Rhonda believed that her rigorous health routine and self-control helped manage her overwhelming anxiety, they did little to ease the persistent, nagging sensation in her mind.  

Rhonda made detailed plans for an anxiety-free future in which she had achieved her body and mind ideal. She would start dating again, she would buy a pretty dress, and she would go out dancing with her friends. Everything else she found joyful, such as theatre, swimming, and cooking elaborate meals, was put on hold until she became “the kind of person who did those kinds of things”. 

Within a couple of sessions, it emerged that Rhonda had started to experience the ‘buzzing anxiety’ at 27, after her beloved father’s sudden death. She was, however, quick to stress that the event had nothing to do with her problem. Rhonda’s mother never discussed her husband's death, but she commented on her daughter’s body consistently ever since. Food and alcohol turned out to be the only aspects of Rhonda’s life where she relinquished control temporarily through solitary and guilt-inducing binges. She referred to those instances as ‘falling off the wagon’, but she also found them exhilarating because they were the only moments in which she felt truly free and safe. Rhonda used food and alcohol to both control her life and lose control of her life. Alcohol served as a catalyst for the binges because it lessened the sense of guilt and erased personal responsibility.

Overeating while drunk was not a choice but a biological process independent of Rhonda. It happened to her. She created a safe but limited world for herself within the confines of her flat. She stopped going out for dinner with friends because of her strict dietary regime, which her friends mocked and sabotaged. Conversely, her mother applauded Rhonda’s ongoing weight-loss work and provided unsolicited feedback. Consequently, Rhonda experienced additional anxiety about her relationships with significant others because she could never please them all. 

Existential Anxiety

Anxiety has been conceptualised in a myriad ways and one can easily become lost in a dizzying array of discipline-specific definitions. Often, anxiety is linked to feat. But in existential coaching, anxiety is not fear. Anxiety is an inevitable part of the human condition, an omnipresent insecurity we all feel when we try to deny the dilemma of what it actually means to be alive, vulnerable, and mortal.

As human beings, we constantly reflect on our lives and what we do. We are self-aware, and in principle we are free to do whatever we want. This sounds great in theory, except it is terrifying in practice. How do we know what choice to make? How do we become our best selves without any clear guidelines, or a life manual? All we have is uncertainty. This is what the Danish philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard eponymously described as the “dizziness of freedom” . When Rhonda paused long enough to experience the anxiety, she found it paralysing because the freedom to choose another way of living meant uncertainty over the outcome. By constructing a rigid and rule-bound life for herself, where the only choice was self-control and protection from distractions and spontaneity, Rhonda created an illusion of safety. So why did she still feel anxious?

Cultivating Courage

Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. After six sessions of exploring her own way of being in the world, Rhonda realized that life without possibilities was a life full of despair. She felt trapped in a prison of her own making where other people threatened the supposed security of her carefully arranged daily reality. Rhonda was not wrong. We are always embedded in the social world of relationships. Other people are woven into the fabric of our lives and they can affect us in unpredictable ways. If we decide to come out of our self-imposed prison, as Rhonda eventually did, we will be insecure and frightened for sure. But we will also be delighted, loved, appreciated, and cared for. Rhonda reached the conclusion that her highly controlled life was an illusion. In our last session, she excitedly read out the words of the existential therapist Emmy van Deurzen: “life […] is merciless: it will persecute those who attempt to play by their own rules until they too submit and bear their fate with courage rather than trying to escape”. Eyes brimming with tears, she told me: ‘you know, a few months ago, these words would have terrified me. Now, I am excited because I have found the courage to face life.’

Embracing Existential Anxiety

Existential coaching didn't provide an instant solution to Rhonda's issues, but it did help her recognize the inner conflict between her true self and the persona she felt pressured to portray. Together, we set up a safe, non-judgmental environment for her to contemplate the kind of life that would truly resonate with her. She came to the realization that her attempts to control her body, mind, and relationships were fruitless. Her fixation on health and self-discipline was only pushing her further from a fulfilling existence. Instead of resisting existential anxiety, Rhonda started to confront it, gradually embracing a more conscious and purposeful way of living. By giving up alcohol, she assumed accountability for her dietary choices, leading her to cultivate beneficial habits that steered her away from isolation and hopelessness.Rhonda also established firm boundaries in her interactions with her mother and friends, enabling her to socialize without the constant pressure of meeting their expectations. While she initially denied any connection between her anxiety and her father's passing, she eventually agreed to engage in grief therapy to address this unresolved issue.